1. I hate myself.
2. There are voices in my head that tell me that I am stupid, and need to die.
3. I have no energy. Without pills, I can’t even get out of bed.
4. I feel like I am not human, but a lower form.
5. I am so nice to everyone, and will do anything for anybody, but I won’t let them help me. I am not worth it.
6. I am PARANOID. I can’t go out in public by myself because everyone is out to get me, or use me.
7. I want to make a friend, but I am not worth it.

My doctor says it is Paranoid Personality Disorder, but after extensive research, I found out it can’t be. People with this disorder are mean and irritable to everyone else for fear of themselves being used. I know everyone uses me, but I deserved to be used because I am not worth anything. This is how I feel, and it is tormenting me day and night. I will not tell my shrink this stuff, because he can get me locked up. Please, I am not worth it, but someone throw me a suggestion.
I forgot to add a symptom: Whenever I experience severe fear which happens quite often, I hear people crying in my head, and see things.
Thanks for your kind words, but seriously, I am not worth it. I just want someone to tell me what I might have. I am not bi-polar because I don’t have high times, or high moods at all. I also am not mean to anyone.

There are times when I am the most social person, the most confident guy anywhere, but inside i’m just bits and pieces here and there. I am a good looking guy, a singer, completely confident on stage, have crowd presence but I’m just paranoid. I can’t trust anyone, I never express myself. I can’t. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m afraid to get out of my comfort zone.
Sometimes I just feel i’ve been thrown away and nobody gives 2 shits about me.
Recently I also broke up with my girlfriend, she left the country, we had a huge fight. Was quite upset over it, so was she, but whatever. I don’t care about that. I can and have got with other girls, but I’m always afraid of getting into relationships.
My acid reflux is worsening, therefore my singing voice is affected greatly, this has caused me to be more depressed than anything. No medication works, NO diet changes, nothing. Doctors suggested 10000 euro surgery but I cant pay for it.
Sometimes I also find that I can’t express my feelings through speech either, I can’t cry words out, I cant scream, I cant do anything to let this baggage out of me. I blame acid reflux for this for weakening my voice. I want to get rid of it, because my music is the only thing that helps me cope with my depression. Sometimes its the only way I can express myself, and that relieves me.
I’m really ambitious, but I have to get rid of this paranoia. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been living in a “Fake perception of reality” for the past 5 years, always thinking people mocked me or made fun of me. The fact that I have a band and performed often gained me more social support, and I felt more acknowledged. I guess in a way I have an inferiority complex as well.
As I write this, theres still so much more I just cant come to terms with and identify to write with words. I just feel like theres a lot deep down inside of me that slowly needs unlocking and letting go. I can’t keep this stress, its taking years off of my life.

My family finds it difficult to accept that I have a mental disorder, because I guess its just so last minute and random, I can keep my composure quite well. But I never trusted anyone, not even them to know how I feel inside.

Maybe I should visit a psychiatrist, but I’m not so sure as to whether they can help or not. I can’t go anytime soon, because I work almost all the week, and I need a special day off to make a reservation… I really need help till then. Maybe medication? I really dont know..
The only thing i’m proud of right now is the fact that I haven’t turned to drugs… yet.